Randi Shmandi

Many people ask me (and when they don't, I ask myself), "Who is this James Randi So-Called Amazing? How did he get to be such a big shot?" Mr. “I Have My Own Foundation.” Mr. “I Got A MacArthur Genius Grant.” Mr. "My First Name is an Adjective."

James Randi goes on Larry King Live. They won't even answer my calls! (Always a busy signal. Big international network, they can’t afford a couple more phone lines?) And James Randi's been on the Tonight Show, even! And I’m talking about the real Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, not just that new one with the Doritos guy. I’d be good on the Tonight Show. I have anecdotes. You think I don't have anecdotes?

And what is the big deal? Look: How many genuine clairvoyants has he found? None. Dowsers? Nada. Remote viewers? Zero. How ‘bout one lousy two-bit communication with the dead? James Randi found one of those? Uh… Let me check... No!! But I, who, let’s face it, have not been around nearly as long as he has, have already found dozens! Hundreds! My filing cabinet is packed with genuine supernatural phenomena, verified beyond a shadow of my doubt. But for me it’s “Sorry, Mr. Leno is in a meeting.”

But I don't want to appear bitter. I will overlook the injustice of this situation. Because, after all, he’s got this Million Dollar Challenge thing going. With my own Supernatural Challenge temporarily on hiatus due to administrative difficulties, and the finances of my own organization in what could be called less than liquid circumstances, a million dollars from the James Randi Educational Foundation could come in pretty handy. (I could get my microwave out of hock, for instance, before all my popcorn goes stale.) So I will be delving into my file cabinet for one of the many cases which I have investigated which will undoubtedly earn that money.

We will have to iron out some procedural things, of course. Like, for instance, I’d like to see the money up front. I mean really see it, in cash with non-sequential serial numbers on low-denomination bills. Maybe in a big suitcase or a mail pouch. And I want one-third of it in Saudi riyals. In the trunk of my car. But these are just details.

...Unless, perhaps, Mr. James Randi (Amazing, So-Called) will use these perfectly reasonable requests as an excuse to weasel out of dealing with Emil Klott? Maybe The Amazing is actually afraid of Emil Klott, and not the other way around, like everybody says! ...Well, not everybody, but some silly people.

Mr. Randi Shmandi Amazing has recently contacted me in relation to this page. First he insulted my hat, which is neither here nor there since such personal attacks are beneath me (beyond noting that maybe he could use a hat himself...ow! My eyes!), and then he challenged me to a duel involving breakfast foods.

Well, Emil is no scaredy-Klott. I just want to say that I accept that challenge whole-heartedly and without reservations and will meet Mr. Randi on the field of battle anywhere and at any time.

Just as soon, that is, as my wrist gets better. I strained it the other day while dowsing. And I've got a lot of things on my calendar at the moment, but as soon as that's clear--look out, big shot Randi!